Diaper Clutch awesomeness!!

So, have I mentioned before that I *love* sewing?? I think I have. I'm sure I have. But I'll say it again...

No matter how much my knees/back/shoulders ache from sitting on the floor cutting material, from sitting at my sewing machine, or any other aspect of it... I LOVE SEWING!

Alright, so now that we've got that out of the way, on to the post!


I made my first Diaper Clutch last night. I fully intended to only cut out all my pieces, iron on the fusible interfacing, and then leave everything else for tonight. I truly meant to do just that. But I didn't. Once I started cutting and ironing and getting everything together, I just couldn't wait to see how it would all turn out in the end! It's a bit like a drug. I can see the finish line off in the distance, and every pin I use or every stitch I make, brings me closer to the completion of my project. It's addictive!

I have never made one of these before. Never even tried. I saw one that I really liked on Etsy and I went to work trying to figure out how she made it. I pictured diagrams in my head, did the math from her dimensions to figure out how big I'd need to cut my material, drew photos and wrote down all my calculations. I started doing all of this last week sometime.

So anyways, I spent about 3 hours working on this. I wasn't finished until 11pm last night (and boy, was I exhausted!!), tho technically I wasn't done until this morning when I installed the snaps; couldn't do it last night because I didn't want to wake Marshall up.

The inside pocket is the perfect size for my cellphone, and the back pocket ... well I had put it there to use for my cigarettes (I know, ick right?) but it kinda makes my bag go all wonky. So I will use it for papers and appointment cards and smaller things instead.

Ok, photos! :)

The Clutch measures 10" long across the top when laid flat, 8" long across the bottom. It's 6" high and 2" wide. It fits a pack of travel wipes and 2 diapers (size 5). :) Also works great as my everyday purse.

Later y'all!

Friday night sew in...

Oh dear, I just realized that was last night!! What a funny coincidence tho, I signed up for it today thinking it was next week, when it was actually last night, and I WAS sewing last night! LOL Oh well.

My first messenger/diaper bag!

For those of you who haven't known me IRL (or on Facebook), I've become seriously addicted to sewing. Like, ridiculously addicted. As in, every spare minute of the day, I'm either looking at fabric, thinking of fabric, making up patterns, and actually getting to sew.

I started out by making Rice/Flaxseed heating bags. They were too easy. I wanted something more fun, more practical... something people would use all the time. I decided to pick up my first few yards of Minky Dot fabric and make Marshall a "tag blankie". It was the first REAL thing I've made, and had no idea what I was doing. I just winged it.

Happy to say, Marshall LOVES his blankie! He carries it with him everywhere! It makes my heart swell with pride that something I made, brings him so much happiness. :)

My journey continued with another tag blankie, and then a real blankie with satin binding. Again, had no idea what I was doing... I just cut out fabric and did it. The binding didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, but again, it was a start. I did some research and found one way to do it that proved better on my second blankie, but I still wasn't entirely happy with it. I couldn't get my stitches to line up on the front and the back, because the stupid satin binding kept being squiggly and moving around!

Then I decided to try sewing it between the layers, instead of OVER the layers. That worked better.... tho it's still fidgety, and I don't really enjoy working with it!

I've sold 3 custom ordered blankies so far and a heating pack. So it's a start. I never had any intention of making my hobby into a business, but the more I make, the more I'd like to. I have my own facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/SaraHannaOriginals) and Etsy store (http://www.etsy.com/shop/MrsSaraHanna), tho I haven't sold anything on etsy yet. I don't expect to get rich or quit my day job, but I just love making things so much, I'm hoping to sell at least enough to be able to buy more supplies, so I can make more stuff!

Now, I spent last night making my very first messenger/diaper bag. The fabric that I got for my recent order didn't end up being quite what I'd hoped for, so I had to improvise a little bit. I wanted the giraffe fabric on the outside originally, and the pink and brown stripes for the inside. However, the giraffe wasn't as impressive as I thought it would be. It looked more like cow print! :P

So I ended up using the pink on the outside, and for the pockets inside. Let me tell you, this bag was quite fiddly to make at some points! And all because I used fusible interfacing. The Pellon 808 is a great, crisp interfacing and easy to iron on... but it REALLY does its job and can make it difficult to get into corners once things are all put together!

The buttons I bought don't seem the greatest either, which is a shame. I got them attached no problem on the first go (woo! Curse you, indecipherable instructions!), but they don't seem to like to stay together too well all the time. Whatever, it's my first bag, so I'm giving myself a break.

I'm also planning on putting snaps on the strap, so that I can snap it to my stroller when we go out with Marshall. I got the idea from this blog: http://www.makeit-loveit.com/2010/09/2-in-1-bag-stroller-bag-into-messenger.html

I modified her pattern though, to suit my needs. I didn't need a bag quite as big as hers, and I had an idea of the size I wanted to end up. So I had to do all the math to figure out what size to cut the pieces for everything, rather than follow her pattern. Also, despite liking her idea of having separate straps to attach the bag to the stroller, I liked my idea better of using one strap that's always attached to the bag, and then I can also use it to snap it to the stroller. I'll post photos of that once it's finished.

But anyways, here's the bag:

Also, I made a new sewing friend 2 days ago!! She's super sweet, we have loads in common, and she even BOUGHT me a book on Amazon and had it shipped to my house... THE NEXT DAY! It's the "Reader's Digest Complete Guide to Sewing". I haven't had a chance to look at it yet (as I spent all afternoon yesterday gathering supplies and creating my bag), but I'm totally going to once I get off the computer (soon, I promise!).

Anyways, she has been an inspiration and has posted about the Friday Night Sew-In, which I've signed up for. And I'm totally excited for it!! :)

I'm going to start posting more about my sewing adventures in here, since it's the only blog I have. I don't often have time to blog, since any time my little man goes down for a nap (or to sleep for the night), I'm usually sewing (or sleeping, haha!). :)

Hair Colour Giveaway!

Hi everyone,

Please check out this post by a fellow haircolour junkie/blogger! You can enter to win a free hair colour consultation and some super duper FREE product!

http://gabysbeautyblog.blogspot.com/2012/01/giveaway-kick-off-2012-with-colour.html

Good luck!!

Sara

This will be a long one...

I started writing this post nearly an hour ago. In the middle of it, we had a power surge and I lost the entire thing. *headdesk* I'm going to attempt to re-write it, but I must admit I feel discouraged at having to!

I have always been a very open-minded person. If someone falls in love with someone of the same sex, they should have the same rights to get married and live their lives with that person as the rest of us. Just as if someone decides that they want to change their sex from male to female, or vice versa, who am I to say they can't (or shouldn't)?

I came out to my parents at the tender young age of 16, when I was still somewhat questioning my own sexuality. It wasn't by choice, though, as my parents were strict Christians who were extremely against homosexuality (and any other issues associated with it, such as transgenderism, though I knew nothing about that sort of thing back then). My mother violated my privacy and read my diary, which forced me out. Discussing my sexual orientation with my classmates and friends was never an issue for me, however trying to have a logical and calm discussion with my mother was out of the question. She grounded me, and wouldn't let me have my best friend over, for fear of leaving us alone. As though it meant that simply because I was bisexual, that every girl I was left alone with would lead to some same-sex hanky-panky. Ridiculous. Even if I was completely straight, would leaving me alone with a boy instantly turn into a full-on make out session? No, of course not. So why would she (or anyone else, for that matter) think that it would work that way with a girl? Again, ridiculous.

I haven't had to think about these issues for many years, as my sexuality doesn't really come into play in my daily life. I am a married mother. I am married to a man. I don't have the urge to be with a woman, but that doesn't change who I am, or how I identify myself. I will always consider myself bisexual, even if it doesn't really affect the way I live my life. I made the choice to be with a man, but it still doesn't change my sexual orientation.

The only reason I'm even thinking about this now, is because I was recently introduced to a band called "The Cliks". The lead singer, Lucas Silveira, is a transgendered man. I don't fully understand everything associated with the term, all I know is that he was born a woman and surgically transformed himself into a man. I have no problem with that. Like I said, to each their own. I personally don't understand why anyone would go to such extreme lengths to change who they are physically, but then again I also don't understand a lot of plastic surgery options that people elect to have done.

Recently on his Facebook page, Lucas posted this link:
http://www.canadianvalues.ca/docs/Events.html

In the ad, a Christian advocacy group points out some things that teachers are being forced to teach to very young children (JK - grade 3) about transgenderism.

This is an ad he also posted as a response to the public outrage over the incident:
http://www.nowtoronto.com/daily/news/story.cfm?content=182947

Now, I can understand the outrage over the ad. The way it was presented was hateful and shameful, and I don't agree with their way of dealing with it. However, as I also posted on Lucas' page, I do agree that teaching such young children about such mature ideas is not a teacher's place. It's MY place. If I choose to teach my son about it when he's at a mature enough age to understand the issues surrounding transgenderism, then that's my call. And I fully intend to do so, if and when it comes up. But teaching a 4 year old about gender roles and whatnot seems wrong to me. They're too young to understand such adult issues!

If my son comes to me some day and tells me that he's gay, I will love him all the more for having the courage to come out and choose it for himself. Being gay will never make me love him any less. If he comes to me some day and tells me, "Mom, I'm going to have surgery and hormone replacement therapy in order to change myself into a woman, because I don't identify with the roles placed on men and want to be a woman" ... I know I will still love him. I will never judge him on the choices he makes for himself. I will admit that I think I will be a little hurt by that choice, as it would feel that I was a failure as a mother. My body created him, my body made him a boy, so him doing that would make me feel as though I failed to create him in the way he wanted. I'm sure that's not the actual case with transgendered individuals, but coming from a mother's perspective, that's what I see. I honestly don't know how to explain how I'd feel about it though. He will always be my little boy, even if he grows up and decides to physically become a woman. The thought hurts my heart, but I would still love him just as much as the day he was born.

So in conclusion, yes I have a problem with the ad. Yes I also have a problem with that curriculum being taught to my young son when he's in school. That's my job, and I dislike that schools are trying to take over my role.

Life and Love

My best friend is getting married on Sept. 10th, 2011. I've known her since I was almost 14, so over half my life. She has been by my side through thick and thin, and though our paths have carried us in different directions over the years, we always come back to each other and it's like no time has ever passed.

That's the way real friendships are. I have very few people in my life that I have this sort of connection with, but two of them I met almost at the same time. Funny, how you can make a friend in your early teens and they're still your closest friend in your adult years. Some friends come and some go, and that's ok.

Just like some relationships. The longest one I was in lasted about 3 years, not including the back and forth we had for about a year afterwards. There was a time in my life where I was scared and alone, and just wanted the stability that our relationship used to offer... even if it meant compromising what I wanted for my future. It took me quite a while to realize what I was doing to myself, and to him (and his poor girlfriend), in the process. I don't know exactly when I grew up and grew out of my self destructive behaviour; I just know that I did.

I've been with my husband for almost 2.5 years now. We have a beautiful son together. My life is exactly the way I always hoped it would be. I'm married to my best friend, despite the times we fight and drive each other crazy. We love each other madly and our family is beautiful, including my family-in-law. I have a mother in law who would do anything for me, and our son. I'm blessed and lucky to have everything that I do.

So is it weird for me to be happy for my ex and his soon to be wife? I don't think so. I think it's wonderful that they're getting married. Funny enough, they're also getting married the same day my best friend is. Know what else? No weirdness. None. Part of me wishes that I could've stayed on better terms with them, so that I could wish them all the best, but that's life. Most of us don't stay friends with our exes anyways, right? But I genuinely wish them well and hope they have a wonderful day.

I guess that's what growing up is. Being able to wish well for those who aren't in your life anymore, not holding grudges, not having ill will for people. I've matured a lot since then, and I'm glad I did. I'm far happier with myself and my life than I've ever been, and I truly hope that they are too.

Also, I can't wait for Jasmina's wedding! To watch my best friend take her vows and see the look on her face as she marries her best (male) friend, I'm just so excited for her. I love her to bits, she is such an awesome person. :)

A sick little boy

Oh my poor son! He's been sick since Thursday. At least, we suspect he was sick on Thursday. We thought it was just teething at first, but our doctor has said it's probably when he first got sick.

Lemme tell ya, nothing breaks your heart more than hearing your little one cry and cough and snort, and know there's nothing you can give them that will help (other than lots of cuddles and hugs!). It's exhausting when he won't sleep all night, but my tiredness is nothing compared to what he's going through.

This is his first cold ever, so he must be feeling pretty rotten. If he's feeling even close to the way I am (I caught his cold), then that sucks. Poor little dude.

Teething and then a cold? Dude, rough. I hope he feels better soon, and until he does I'll just keep snuggling with him and giving him kisses and zerbers on his belly. :)

You know what? I've been told that I'm perceived as a very negative person sometimes... or at least that I *was* perceived that way. I've been working really hard to let go of the negativity and focus on the positive things in my life. I really have.

However I've also noticed that I tend to mostly write when I'm sad, or angry, or frustrated. So I suppose it's easy to picture me as a negative person if all you see is the negative posts. But what I've also come to realize is that when I'm happy, I have a much more difficult time writing. I think it's because I'm so busy focusing on the good moments and don't take the time to write about them. I probably should, though.

I have so many photos and videos posted of Marshall in his happy moments, and I suppose that's my way of expressing my own happiness. There are far fewer photos of myself since he was born, I think mostly because I am nothing without him, and I like to share him with the world. I am not as important to me anymore. Does that make sense? My world revolves around my son. When he's happy, I'm happy. When he's sad or upset, so am I. I am directly linked to him.

I don't go out partying much anymore. I've gone out 4 times since he was born nearly 5 months ago. And yes, I had fun... but more than anything, I was looking forward to coming home and crawling into bed so that I could be well rested to enjoy him again the next morning. Sure, dancing and drinking can be a fun release, but the whole time I'm thinking about Marshall. Last night I went out, and I was so bored with the club scene that I left after an hour. I really felt like I needed a break, and I got one, but then I just wanted to go home and cuddle with my fiance and kiss my son goodnight while he slept peacefully in his crib. You know you're domesticated when you'd rather be at home with your hubby and son! :)

I don't buy much for myself anymore. I buy a couple pairs of plugs every so often, but that's about it. I don't do my nails or my hair anymore. I don't buy clothes. I'd rather be buying cute clothing for Marshall or toys for him to play with. I'd rather take him out for a walk than go out by myself to do anything. And even though he's waking up from his nap now and still seems miserable, I love him to pieces and I will strive to remember that, even in the face of him screaming in *my* face, lol. I love him.

You know, sometimes I read other people's blogs and am just blown away by their writing styles, not just what they have to say. A lot of us probably have a lot of things we'd like to talk, or vent, about; but sometimes it's hard to find the right words, or the right way to say it.

I find that if I try to emulate other people's writing styles, I tend to fail miserably. Then I just end up with something that sounds like someone else. Even right now, I don't feel like I sound like myself... though I have noticed that I have different writing styles depending on the day.

Why am I writing all of this nonsense? I don't know. I just haven't written in a while, and I was thinking about that the other day, so now I'm writing it down. Because I can.

Topic jump!

I'm tired. Like seriously exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for a week, even though I got to sleep in today (9am! WOOT!). People always tell you how tiring it is to be a mom, but you never really *truly* get it until you're there. Honestly, this part isn't as bad as the first 3 months or so. Marshall is getting bigger, he *was* being happier... but this last week has been so miserable! He would scream at me from morning till night for days and days and I JUST WANTED TO WALK INTO TRAFFIC!

I know, I know... that's a horrible thing to say. It really is. But you try it. Seriously, unless you've been there, you can't possibly understand, so don't judge me! I love my son more than anything in the world... and when he's miserable and screaming all the time, sure, it makes me sad that I can't seem to comfort him. But understand that on top of that, is the anger and frustration. Like, "Why does my child seem to HATE ME so much? Why does he only seem to scream for me?" Because you know that once daddy gets home, he's calmer and happier and it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry.

Last weekend, he screamed all the time, even though Jay was home. I feel a little guilty in saying that I'm actually kinda glad about that. It made me feel more like it's not just me, and so Jay could see what I deal with all day when he's not here.

I wish my happy little boy would make more frequent appearances. He's just recently started the baby babbling, rolling over, and giggling more often. But this last week has been such a nightmare that I seriously want to sleep for a week! Maybe once I wake up, my smiling happy boy will be back to stay.

Abortion Ban in Arizona

I posted a link on Facebook to this article:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/arizona-enacts-ban-abortions-based-gender-race-20110329-214717-860.html

In it, they talk about the fact that Arizona has now passed a law decreeing it illegal to perform an abortion for gender or race of the fetus.

My posting this doesn't mean that I agree with using abortions to select the gender or race of the fetus. Personally, I'm against that, as much as I am against women using abortions as a form of birth control. Not to sound racist, but I've only ever heard of that happening in China. There was even an episode of Boston Legal about it. However, I have never heard of a real case in the States where anyone aborted because of the gender of their unborn child, much less because of the race. If you get knocked up by someone of a different race, well then you'd know damn well what the race of the child is going to be... so don't have sex with a different race if you don't want to have a child with them!

This brings me to another point I'd like to make: Generally, the only accurate way to tell the sex of the baby is at 16 weeks or later. This is something I also disagree with: late-term abortions. By that point, I could already feel Marshall moving around inside of me. I couldn't imagine having an abortion at that point! And when we actually found out we were having a boy, I was 20 weeks pregnant. He was definitely moving around noticeably and frequently then! How could anyone abort at that stage of a pregnancy? It's sick, in my opinion.

I would like to clarify, though; I am pro-choice. I believe a women's body is her own, and it's her choice ultimately what she does when faced with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. If you take away a woman's right to choose, she will simply end up going to a back-door surgery instead. I don't think I need to tell any of you how dangerous this would be, especially if you've read about it from back in the day before abortions were legalized. There will be no way to prove if a woman is getting an abortion simply to select the race or gender of her child, because I highly doubt anyone would be stupid enough to volunteer that information. This law only forces doctors to ask their patients the reason for seeking an abortion, which is unfair, as most women won't really feel comfortable listing their reasons to a stranger. It will also have no effect really, because if that were the reason said woman was seeking an abortion, she'll simply lie in order to get it.

I also think it's highly unfair to punish the doctors who perform the operation, rather than the patient. If the woman is the one who wants to abort the child because it's not the sex or race they want, let it be on her head. If you're going to slowly try to control a woman's right to choose, then the woman is the one who should be punished. Even as I'm writing this, I have conflicting feelings about this whole issue. Women have a fundamental right to choose, in my opinion, but they shouldn't use that right to choose whether they have a boy or a girl. Does that clarify things?

I am against this new law, as I see it as a stepping stone to banning abortions altogether. However I also don't agree with having an abortion for the reason of race or gender selection. It's a slippery slope they're headed down, and I'm afraid to see where it will lead.

Well, we've passed the 8 week mark now. Marshall is doing well, still has his cranky moments (especially last Wed when he screamed from 5am till midnight! That was a long day!), but is also awake longer during the day. He wakes up usually around 2:30am and 5am for feeds, which isn't too bad. Friday morning he was up at 2:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep, haha. I've run out of shows to watch, and to be honest, I'm not even sure how I've been passing the time now! lol It all just kinda blurs together.

Ah well, I don't have much to say but thought I should update. So that's my update. Yeah.

Zzzzzzzz.....

You know, no matter how much people tell you about being a mom, no one really ever prepares you for the reality of it. The late nights, the incessant crying for no reason... the hair pulling, unbelievable rage you feel when your child simply will NOT stop crying and nothing you do will soothe him.

This is where I've been at for 3 days now. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I want to cry. I want to hit something (NEVER EVER him, don't worry!). I hate letting him cry in his playpen, but what else can I do? He screams when I hold him, he screams if I don't. He screams before I feed him, he screams right after eating, he screams while I change him, and he seems to have his days and nights mixed up. He sleeps during the day and stays awake all hours of the night. Most of the time, while screaming.

My back aches. My head hurts. I walk around wearing puke half the time, and go through my limited wardrobe faster than you can imagine from him peeing on me, or the puking.

Everyone says it gets better. Well that sure doesn't help while you're going through it, lemme tell ya! I appreciate people's input and suggestions, but nothing works. Nothing helps. I'm just so tired. I love him to death when he's quiet, when he's sleeping, and I love him even when he screams his head off for hours. I'm just so frustrated and I wish this would hurry up and pass.

Every time we put him down to sleep, I pray to God that he'll stay asleep. I beg God to make him less cranky, to let us get sleep. But it really doesn't seem like he's listening or even cares. And people wonder why I have a hard time believing in religion. Sometimes I wonder if God's even there at all.

Marshall has reached the Purple period of crying. You know the one... where he goes all purple in the face because he's crying so hard, for NO REASON WHATSOEVER!? Yeah, that one. *headdesk*

He decided to show it to me last night in spades. We managed to get him to bed around 11:30pm (ish), and holy shit, he actually stayed asleep!

... till 1am, when he promptly woke me up out of a dead (and much needed!) sleep. So I got up and went to the bathroom (as my bladder was close to exploding) while he screamed in the bedroom. I then changed him, and fed him. By 1:30am, he'd fallen asleep on my chest while trying to burp him. So of course, I tip toe back into our bedroom and GENTLY lay him down in his bassinet, and turn on the vibration feature (I'm not even sure if it helps or not. Sometimes it seems to, other times, not even close!). I go to lay back down and all I hear is him start to make his whiny noises. It builds and builds and then he's starting to scream. I tried to give him a soother, but he wouldn't take it and it just made him more angry.

So I picked him up and cuddled him a while, till I thought he was asleep again. HE WASN'T. He wailed when I laid him down. So I picked him up again and came out to the living room. I laid him in the play pen and tried giving him a bit of gripe water to mellow him out. It didn't work. So I just let him cry, because I couldn't figure out anything else to do. I'd tried everything and I was ready to scream. It was about 2am now.

Around 2:15am I picked him up and gave him the last oz of formula in his bottle from his earlier feeding. And of course, he still wouldn't go to sleep. We had another repeat of the earlier bassinet incident when I tried to put him back to bed. Only this time, he also got the hiccups!

I brought him back out to the living room. Gave him more gripe water. IT DID NOTHING. He still hiccuped and cried and I JUST WANTED TO DIE. Tried the bassinet again. Same reaction (crying, whining, making noises, not taking soother, etc).

So back out to the living room again. It is now about 2:45am. So again, I just let him cry in the play pen while I laid on the couch and wondered when he'd stop. He was screaming himself hoarse for about half an hour. So I made another bottle and started to feed him around 3:30am. He spent nearly half an hour eating it, and only actually took 20-30ml of formula. He then, finally, fell asleep again in my arms around 4am. I put him to bed and he stayed asleep (much to my delight and surprise!).

It was around then that I wondered what the fuck I've gotten myself into. :P I hope to GOD this phase doesn't last long, or I'll seriously go mental.

And then of course, Jay brings him in this morning to put in bed with me while he takes the dog out, effectively killing any chance I may have had at catching up on my missing sleep. And, of course, Marshall just lays there staring at me with his big blue eyes making goo goo faces at me, occasionally smiling, and I melt all over again. Little bugger, has me wrapped around his finger. I just wish he had more than 2 modes tho, sleeping and FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! lol

Being a new mommy...

It's a little scary. There's this tiny little dude who depends on you for everything, and no matter what, you do whatever it takes to make them happy. Even at 2am when you're dead tired and he won't stop screaming.

Don't get me wrong, Marshall is usually really well behaved. He sleeps most of the day and even the night, usually going to bed around midnight and getting up between 4 and 5 am to eat and be changed. He'll then sleep till about 8-9am, depending on how tired he is.

But he seems to have a super cranky hour, which is anytime between 9pm and 1am. Last night was one of those nights. He just wouldn't stop fussing no matter what we did. We fed him, repeatedly. We changed him. We rocked him. We played with him. HE HATED US. It was awful, I just didn't know what to do and both Jay and I were so tired.

But I guess that's part of being a parent. Sometimes you just don't know what to do. I'm new to all of this! The first few days as a new mom were the most terrifying and surreal days of my life. The first time he cried in my arms, I almost wept and stared up at Tara, saying "I don't know what to do! What do I do?"

Today is one of those days where I just feel a little overwhelmed and a little weepy. I think it's the lack of sleep. Maybe hormones, too. And maybe it's also because we went shopping today and I'm still having a hard time finding clothes that both fit and are flattering. I know I've lost 30lbs already, but I'm still not totally back to my usual self. So my old clothes don't really fit, and my pregnancy clothes don't fit... so I'm kinda stuck. I got a new pair of jeans today, but trying on clothes while you're still not quite your old self yet is a little depressing.

Anyways, I'm gonna go sit in the living room and listen to Glee while Marshall rocks in his swing. He is the cutest thing, even when the devil horns come out. I love him to pieces and even when he drives me nuts, I wouldn't change it for the world. (Must keep repeating that when he's going crazy...)

My labour and delivery story...

Well, now that I can finally stand sitting on this computer chair for more than a minute or two, and Marshall is sleeping in his swing, I thought it was time I wrote out my experience before it gets too foggy on me. As it is, there's about a 6 hr gap in my memory where I don't really remember much except having to turn over so they could top up my epidural! Lol

Let's start from where I left off in my last post:

After I lost my mucus plug at Walmart, we went home and just hung out. We watched Edward Scissorhands and around 5:30pm, my contractions started coming at regular 8 minute intervals. So I kept writing down the time every time I had a contraction, and around 7:30pm I decided to go lay down and try to have a nap.

Yeah, that didn't work so well. I don't know what I was thinking, but I certainly wasn't about to get any sleep! With every contraction, I started moaning just a bit louder. By 8:30pm, Jay came in to check on me and rub my lower back. He said I sounded like I was in a lot more pain than before, and maybe we should go back to the hospital. You see, I tested positive for Strep B, and was told that if my water broke or I was in labour, I had to go to the hospital right away and get on antibiotics. Only problem is, when we went in that morning, they didn't act like it was a big deal and didn't give me any more info about it.

So I called the hospital and asked them what I should do; that my contractions had been every 8 minutes for 3 hrs, and that the pain was getting really intense. She said to come on in and get assessed, and the doc would decide when to put me on the antibiotics.

So Jay took the dog over to his parents' house, and while he was gone, I had a few more contractions that were 5 minutes apart. When he came back, I had another, and a couple more on the way to the hospital. They were still 5 minutes apart.

So we get to the hospital and I sat in a wheelchair and waited for Jay to park the car. He came in eventually and wheeled me upstairs to labour and delivery. When he phoned into the ward to be let in, I had tears streaming down my face. I never realized how painful it could be! And that wasn't even the worst of it yet!

Well, they put me in Triage and hooked me up to the monitors. As the contractions hit, I tried my best to be strong but they hurt so bad that I ended up moaning and crying through them. The nurse checked me at about 9:30pm and I was only dilated 2 cm. She had a really hard time getting to my cervix because I have a tilted uterus (the nurse that morning couldn't reach it at all). Turns out, my OB may never have actually felt my cervix because her fingers are even shorter than the nurse who managed to get to it! That makes me feel confident in my OB. :P

So after a couple of hours of increasingly painful contractions, the nurse brought me a shot of morphine to help with the pain. Lemme tell ya, it did NOTHING for me. Well, except make me really dopey and high! :P When she checked me again at midnight, I was between 2-3 cm. It was around then that she ordered my epidural (because despite my saying all this time that I didn't want one, at that point I was ready to die and would've taken anything to make the pain stop!). That was also around when I started saying things like, "I don't wanna do this anymore!", "I didn't know it was gonna be this bad, I wasn't prepared for this at all!!", and my personal favourite, "I wanna die. Please, just kill me now, oh God, I wanna die!!"

They took me to my own birthing room around 12:30am and I got my epidural at 1am. Then my water finally broke... all over the place! Man it was gross, but I was in so much pain I really didn't care. My personal nurse checked my cervix again and I was at 3cm. Oh yeah and at some point in there, they also hooked me up to an IV and started me on the antibiotics (which they had to give me every 4 hrs of my labour). They also set me up with a catheter... lemme tell ya, it was weird not to have to pee for so long! LOL

The next few hours are a bit of a blur; Jay managed to get some sleep, but I couldn't sleep for the life of me. The nurse kept telling me I should get some rest, but I just couldn't. Every time I closed my eyes, I could still hear everything going on around me; the beeping of the monitors, the heart rate of my son, the nurse doing... whatever she was doing, I don't know, my eyes were closed.

At 6:30am, the nurse checked my cervix again, and guess what? I'd only gone to 4cm (in 5 hrs!!!!!!). I was pretty upset about that! So they started me on the oxytocin to regulate my contractions. By 7:30am, I was between 7-8cm. So I messaged my sister and told her, and she said she was on her way to the hospital. Jay's mom was also on her way... with his dad and grandma. It was a bit of a zoo when everyone finally got there! I have a photo of Jay talking to me while I plug my ears, haha. My hearing seemed a bit wonky and everyone was so loud!

And again, the next several hours are pretty blurry. They had to flip me from side to side every couple hours to top up my epidural and get me numb again. I don't remember what times they checked me, but I know that the next time they checked me after a couple hrs, I hadn't dilated at all. So they upped my oxytocin again. The next time they checked, I still hadn't dilated. So the doc came and stretched me up to 9cm. And this is how it went for the next few hrs again. Eventually he stretched me fully to 10cm.

(The whole time I was on the epidural, I was really itchy and thirsty. But every time I scratched, I couldn't feel it so it just stayed itchy which was torture! And occasionally I could feel the contractions because the epidural had started to wear off on the top side of me, so then they'd flip me and top me up again. And I was drinking a tonne of fluids... I think I was clearing 1-2L of fluid an hour! Seriously, I've never drank so much in my life! I also threw up 3 times by this point... once right before I had the morphine {from the pain} and twice since having the epidural).

By now, it was about 1:30pm. Doc Shannon and Nurse Tammy were shocked that I still hadn't felt the urge to push. I was so numb down below, I honestly didn't feel anything. And every time he'd come in to check on me, he'd ask if I felt the urge to push yet and I'd say "Nope!". He was baffled!

Tammy told me that if I still didn't have the urge to push by 2:30pm, they'd get me to start pushing anyways. At 2pm, I threw up about 3L of fluids, so she decided it was time. My God, pushing sucked!! Seriously, having to do that every minute to 2 minutes? It felt like my ribs were breaking, because everything was pushing up into them. Marshall was still moving even while I was pushing!! And I couldn't even tell if I was pushing right because I couldn't feel it.

After about half an hr of pushing, Tammy told me that Doc Shannon could help me out with the forceps if I wanted him to; that it would cut down on how long I had to push. I asked if it would mash my baby's head (because I'd heard of that happening back in the old days). He said, "No no, all 3 of my kids were delivered with forceps, and my 14 year old can even count to 10!" I laughed and said that was reassuring.

So he got set up and after another couple contractions, he started helping with the forceps. I couldn't see anything, I just felt like he was pulling something out of my butt. It was strange. I didn't even realize that he didn't pull that much of his head out, only a little bit... and then my next push got his whole head out! (14.5 inches around!). He told me to relax a bit and that he was going to deliver the baby. He helped the shoulders out and told me to give one more push, and out he came! I watched him pull Marshall from me and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! Even though he was purple and swollen, lol.

I remember not being able to see much the whole time I was on the epidural. I wasn't wearing my glasses, and my eyes kept crossing and not focusing; but while he pulled Marshall from me and I watched, I was like a hawk. I saw it clear as day, in slow motion even. I wanted to make sure he was breathing (he was) and that he was ok (he was).

I remember whining because they took him away and seemed to be taking forever with bringing him back. Doc Shannon stitched me up and they cleaned me up, and eventually they brought Marshall over. I looked at him and said to Jay, "Are you sure this is the right baby? He doesn't look like either of us!" :P (he does now)

After that, most of the rest of the day is a blur. I remember breast feeding him for the first time (yuck and ouch!). I remember Jay feeding him his first bottle (because his sugar test came back a little low). I remember Tara and Rebecca coming to visit. I remember eating dinner (not much of it tho because every bite made me want to vomit). And then I dozed in and out for hours.

I tried breast feeding him again around 5am, but it just felt so awful I wanted to cry. Our new nurse Mary (a Mennonite woman) told me I didn't have to breastfeed if I didn't want to. She brought me a bottle and I fed him, and it was beautiful. She said I looked so much happier, and I was. I love that Jay and I can both feed him. :)

Anyways, that's my story. Maybe there should've been more detail (maybe some of you are wishing there was less! lol). But it's such a long story that I just had to write it as I remembered it, rather than making it all fancy and stuff.

Hopefully it's starting now!!

So about 4am today, I got up to pee and felt a WHOOSH before I even let go of my muscles to pee. When I wiped, I didn't see anything, so I went back to bed.

At 5am, I woke up to intense period-pains, and after it passed, I got up again to go pee. While standing in the bathroom, I felt another WHOOOSH and had liquid running down my legs. When I went pee again and wiped, it was pink this time. So I woke up Jay and off to the hospital we went, thinking my water broke.

I was having some pretty painful contractions, that seemed fairly regular, while I was hooked up to the non stress test machine. After that, I peed again and had another WHOOSH in the toilet. This time it was slightly brown with flecks in it.

They finally used a speculum to check and see if it was my water, which they said it wasn't. It was watery, but it was mucus. So I was sent home.

I've still been having some pretty painful contractions, but they aren't regular. But they are constant... I've been having them all day.

We went to Walmart to walk around for a while, and after about an hour, I went to the bathroom again. When I was sitting there, during another contraction, I felt something come out of me. It's hard to describe! But I looked in the toilet, and there was this big glob of clear/whiteness with streaks of brown and red in it. And every time I wiped, there was brown jelly (ick). Turns out, that was my mucus plug! So things are definitely progressing (OUCH CONTRACTION!). I'm really hoping to go into full blown labour tonight, but some people say it can take a few days. :( Well, fingers crossed! Hopefully by this time tomorrow, we'll be holding little Marshall!!

Rest In Peace, Hemi... :(

So we had to say a sudden and tearful good bye to our dear cat Hemi last night. It was almost too much to bear.

Jay had just left the bathroom and I'd sat down to pee (as I do quite frequently) and I heard Jay call out to me in a panicky voice, "HUN, Hemi's hurt!"

"What happened?"

"I dunno, but he's really hurt! He can't move his back legs!"

"Well come in then!"

So Jay brought Hemi in the bathroom and he was just wailing. I knew something must be really wrong for Jay to look and sound so freaked out. He set Hemi down on the floor and I watched him try to drag himself around by his front legs. I told Jay to get on the phone and call the emergency vet clinic, we need to take him in.

So he ran out of the bathroom and did that, while I sat with Hemi on the floor and tried to console him. He was making the most awful, inhuman sounds. I picked him up and gently carried him to our bed so he would be more comfortable. He was panting so fast in between howls. After we were on the bed a few seconds, he calmed down a bit, but every so often would try to drag himself around again. I just sat there petting him and trying to console him while Jay talked to his mother and then the nurse at the vet clinic.


The nurse asked him to check Hemi's feet and see if they're cold, which they were. She told him it's probably a clot and we needed to bring him in right away. So that's what we did.

When we got to the clinic in Cambridge, they took him to an exam room in the back and put us in another room to wait for the doctor. The whole time I'm trying to console Jay and tell him everything will be fine, I'm sure it's ok, they'll fix him up and it's gonna be alright.

I was wrong.

The doctor came in and said that sadly, it's not looking good. She said Hemi had "thrown a clot", which basically means a clot formed and got stuck in his aortic artery that branched to his back legs, causing the paralysis. She told us that cats are quite prone to getting clots, and that there's probably an underlying heart condition or disease that caused the clot to form. We could try using some medication to dissolve the clot, but it would take a few days and may not even work, and Hemi would be in a lot of pain throughout that time. And even if we did manage to get rid of the clot, he may not ever regain use of his back legs, and then we'd still have to run a bunch of tests on his heart and then treat that problem too.

I didn't realize how hard it would hit me. The tears started to flow and I just couldn't stop them.

Jay said he didn't want Hemi to suffer, so we opted to have him put to sleep. Jay went out to the front desk to pay while I stayed with Hemi. He wasn't wailing as much anymore but he was drooling a lot and still trying to drag himself around. He'd been given a painkiller but was obviously still in distress. The doctor cuddled him with me and said this was her greatest fear for her cats, coming home to find they'd thrown a clot. She was very sympathetic and caring, which helped.

Jay was pretty upset, understandably. Hemi was only 9 years old. I can't describe in words how sad this whole process was. I've never lost a pet before, and I've never been there when one was put to sleep. It was over so quickly. I'm glad Hemi didn't have to suffer for very long. Poor thing must've been terrified.

It was the saddest thing I've ever seen, to see him laying there with his eyes open... not breathing, not moving, it was surreal. I couldn't stop crying... and part of it was seeing Jay suffer. It just broke my heart. I just couldn't believe it... one minute Hemi was here, eating little bits of bacon with us yesterday morning, and then all of a sudden he was just... gone. :(

I know he wasn't my cat, but it still hurts. And it hurts to see Jay so sad. Hemi was his special little buddy. When things weren't static in his life, Hemi was always there for him. I can understand that completely.

I hope Hemi is in a happier place. He will always be loved and never forgotten.

So I haven't really got anything witty to say, I just feel bad that I haven't updated this thing in a while.

As of tomorrow, I have 3 more miserable weeks till my due date. I'm seriously wishing that he'd just come out now! I'm so tired of being pregnant. :P Not to mention of course that I just can't wait to meet our son, that's the exciting part!

Anyways, that's about it these days. Still not sleeping well, still peeing all the time, getting sick occasionally, sore, grumpy, etc. Hopefully he'll be here soon and things will be awesome.

Starstruck

You know how when you're a kid, you always dream of what it would be like to be able to chat with someone famous? Someone you admire, whether it be a film star, or a musician or whomever?

I remember when I was little, I used to get crushes on celebrities, as I'm sure many other people did/do. When I was 7 years old, I had the biggest crush on Christian Slater. I used to fantasize that he'd show up at my house, hiding in a big box as a birthday present... then he'd jump out and surprise me, and take me for a ride in his limo!

As I grew into a teenager, I'd day dream about making out with whomever I had a crush on at the time. And as I got older still, I used to dream about just hanging out backstage with a famous musician that I really liked and just talking, getting to know them. Sure, sometimes I'd think about what it would be like to make out with them, but I didn't want to be just another groupie. I didn't want to have meaningless flings with famous people. I wanted to get to know them as real people. Sometimes I'd even fantasize that we'd have a real relationship... though those ones tended to go up in smoke almost as soon as I'd thought about them because hey, what are the chances of me ever actually dating Chad Kroeger or Adam Gontier? :P

But to me, I've always thought it would be amazing to be able to get to know these people for who they are. Find out what makes them tick, why they write the way they do, where they get their inspiration from. I grew up realizing that it's who you are that defines what you do and how you do it. And that's important to me.

Today, I actually got the chance to speak with someone I greatly admire. He's a guitar player/singer/songwriter. He's also pretty famous. To my shame, I only heard of him about a month ago when we went to see him play at The Schwaben Club. Since then, I've added him to facebook and watched all his YouTube videos; I am both fascinated with his skill and in awe of what he's accomplished. I figured he'd be like most of the other celebrities who have facebook profiles, in that he'd update his page but wouldn't really talk to anyone. I was wrong.

I commented on his wall a few weeks ago, and to my astonishment, he actually commented back the same day! That made me feel pretty special. When I saw him online today, I decided to message him just to tell him that I thought he was awesome. Because he is. And I wasn't expecting a response.

Instead, I was quite pleasantly surprised that he not only responded, but ended up having an entire conversation with me. Never have I stopped believing that famous people are human like the rest of us, and it was refreshing to be able to talk with someone who actually acts like he is still one. I've heard horror stories of celebrities who think they're too good to talk to fans, who act high and aloof or ignore people altogether. Phil was not only kind, he was funny, fun to talk to, and amazingly down to earth. This is the way stars should all be. People get famous because the public likes what they do. Some celebrities fail to remember that they are where they are because of the little people.

Today has reaffirmed my faith in humanity. It doesn't take much to offer a compliment; as Phil told me, you never know how badly someone may need to hear it. Even if they're famous. Because famous people are still people too.

Thanks again for the chat today Phil. It meant a lot to me, and I look forward to more in the future (and hopefully working together!).

*Check out Phil's stuff, if you get a chance: http://www.philx.tv/index.html

It's the little things...

Most pregnant women know, it's hard to feel sexy about yourself when you're gaining weight and feeling icky all the time.. right? Ok, maybe it's just me, I dunno.

Anyways, last week I decided to do a complete overhaul of my look again. I have a maternity shoot coming up this week, and I wanted to look as awesome as possible for it. So I got my hair cut downtown at Voila (the local hair school) and then coloured it at home. I'm now sporting a rockin' mohawk and raspberry-coloured hair! It looks superb.

I also spotted myself a super sweet pair of plugs from BMA Modified (http://shop.bmamodified.com/) on their ebay shop (http://stores.ebay.ca/BMA-Modified). I wasn't sure if they'd be able to get here in time for the shoot, but I asked Miranda the owner if there was a way to get them here ASAP. She offered me a free shipping upgrade to Priority because I've been a loyal customer with them for the last year now. And do you know what? That totally made my day!

I know, most people don't understand my fascination with plugs/tunnels/whatever you wanna call them. But BMA has such nice things and they're so well priced, I've ordered so many from them over the last year as I've been slowly stretching. And to be honest, nothing lifts my mood quite like getting new jewelry. It's not quite as big of a change as getting a super short hair cut and a really drastic colour... but sometimes it really is the little things that help make you feel special. And when someone is as nice as Miranda and offers me a free shipping upgrade to try to get my plugs here in time for my maternity shoot? Well, that almost gets the hormone-tears flowing. :)

Anyone looking for super cool organic plugs should definitely check out BMA. Their customer service is awesome, their merch is top quality, and their prices are so low... you can get like 5 pairs for the same price you'd pay for one pair at a local body mod shop! So get your shop on and adorn those ears. :)