Sunday, April 24, 2011

You know what? I've been told that I'm perceived as a very negative person sometimes... or at least that I *was* perceived that way. I've been working really hard to let go of the negativity and focus on the positive things in my life. I really have.

However I've also noticed that I tend to mostly write when I'm sad, or angry, or frustrated. So I suppose it's easy to picture me as a negative person if all you see is the negative posts. But what I've also come to realize is that when I'm happy, I have a much more difficult time writing. I think it's because I'm so busy focusing on the good moments and don't take the time to write about them. I probably should, though.

I have so many photos and videos posted of Marshall in his happy moments, and I suppose that's my way of expressing my own happiness. There are far fewer photos of myself since he was born, I think mostly because I am nothing without him, and I like to share him with the world. I am not as important to me anymore. Does that make sense? My world revolves around my son. When he's happy, I'm happy. When he's sad or upset, so am I. I am directly linked to him.

I don't go out partying much anymore. I've gone out 4 times since he was born nearly 5 months ago. And yes, I had fun... but more than anything, I was looking forward to coming home and crawling into bed so that I could be well rested to enjoy him again the next morning. Sure, dancing and drinking can be a fun release, but the whole time I'm thinking about Marshall. Last night I went out, and I was so bored with the club scene that I left after an hour. I really felt like I needed a break, and I got one, but then I just wanted to go home and cuddle with my fiance and kiss my son goodnight while he slept peacefully in his crib. You know you're domesticated when you'd rather be at home with your hubby and son! :)

I don't buy much for myself anymore. I buy a couple pairs of plugs every so often, but that's about it. I don't do my nails or my hair anymore. I don't buy clothes. I'd rather be buying cute clothing for Marshall or toys for him to play with. I'd rather take him out for a walk than go out by myself to do anything. And even though he's waking up from his nap now and still seems miserable, I love him to pieces and I will strive to remember that, even in the face of him screaming in *my* face, lol. I love him.

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