Sunday, April 24, 2011

You know what? I've been told that I'm perceived as a very negative person sometimes... or at least that I *was* perceived that way. I've been working really hard to let go of the negativity and focus on the positive things in my life. I really have.

However I've also noticed that I tend to mostly write when I'm sad, or angry, or frustrated. So I suppose it's easy to picture me as a negative person if all you see is the negative posts. But what I've also come to realize is that when I'm happy, I have a much more difficult time writing. I think it's because I'm so busy focusing on the good moments and don't take the time to write about them. I probably should, though.

I have so many photos and videos posted of Marshall in his happy moments, and I suppose that's my way of expressing my own happiness. There are far fewer photos of myself since he was born, I think mostly because I am nothing without him, and I like to share him with the world. I am not as important to me anymore. Does that make sense? My world revolves around my son. When he's happy, I'm happy. When he's sad or upset, so am I. I am directly linked to him.

I don't go out partying much anymore. I've gone out 4 times since he was born nearly 5 months ago. And yes, I had fun... but more than anything, I was looking forward to coming home and crawling into bed so that I could be well rested to enjoy him again the next morning. Sure, dancing and drinking can be a fun release, but the whole time I'm thinking about Marshall. Last night I went out, and I was so bored with the club scene that I left after an hour. I really felt like I needed a break, and I got one, but then I just wanted to go home and cuddle with my fiance and kiss my son goodnight while he slept peacefully in his crib. You know you're domesticated when you'd rather be at home with your hubby and son! :)

I don't buy much for myself anymore. I buy a couple pairs of plugs every so often, but that's about it. I don't do my nails or my hair anymore. I don't buy clothes. I'd rather be buying cute clothing for Marshall or toys for him to play with. I'd rather take him out for a walk than go out by myself to do anything. And even though he's waking up from his nap now and still seems miserable, I love him to pieces and I will strive to remember that, even in the face of him screaming in *my* face, lol. I love him.
You know, sometimes I read other people's blogs and am just blown away by their writing styles, not just what they have to say. A lot of us probably have a lot of things we'd like to talk, or vent, about; but sometimes it's hard to find the right words, or the right way to say it.

I find that if I try to emulate other people's writing styles, I tend to fail miserably. Then I just end up with something that sounds like someone else. Even right now, I don't feel like I sound like myself... though I have noticed that I have different writing styles depending on the day.

Why am I writing all of this nonsense? I don't know. I just haven't written in a while, and I was thinking about that the other day, so now I'm writing it down. Because I can.

Topic jump!

I'm tired. Like seriously exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for a week, even though I got to sleep in today (9am! WOOT!). People always tell you how tiring it is to be a mom, but you never really *truly* get it until you're there. Honestly, this part isn't as bad as the first 3 months or so. Marshall is getting bigger, he *was* being happier... but this last week has been so miserable! He would scream at me from morning till night for days and days and I JUST WANTED TO WALK INTO TRAFFIC!

I know, I know... that's a horrible thing to say. It really is. But you try it. Seriously, unless you've been there, you can't possibly understand, so don't judge me! I love my son more than anything in the world... and when he's miserable and screaming all the time, sure, it makes me sad that I can't seem to comfort him. But understand that on top of that, is the anger and frustration. Like, "Why does my child seem to HATE ME so much? Why does he only seem to scream for me?" Because you know that once daddy gets home, he's calmer and happier and it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry.

Last weekend, he screamed all the time, even though Jay was home. I feel a little guilty in saying that I'm actually kinda glad about that. It made me feel more like it's not just me, and so Jay could see what I deal with all day when he's not here.

I wish my happy little boy would make more frequent appearances. He's just recently started the baby babbling, rolling over, and giggling more often. But this last week has been such a nightmare that I seriously want to sleep for a week! Maybe once I wake up, my smiling happy boy will be back to stay.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Abortion Ban in Arizona

I posted a link on Facebook to this article:

In it, they talk about the fact that Arizona has now passed a law decreeing it illegal to perform an abortion for gender or race of the fetus.

My posting this doesn't mean that I agree with using abortions to select the gender or race of the fetus. Personally, I'm against that, as much as I am against women using abortions as a form of birth control. Not to sound racist, but I've only ever heard of that happening in China. There was even an episode of Boston Legal about it. However, I have never heard of a real case in the States where anyone aborted because of the gender of their unborn child, much less because of the race. If you get knocked up by someone of a different race, well then you'd know damn well what the race of the child is going to be... so don't have sex with a different race if you don't want to have a child with them!

This brings me to another point I'd like to make: Generally, the only accurate way to tell the sex of the baby is at 16 weeks or later. This is something I also disagree with: late-term abortions. By that point, I could already feel Marshall moving around inside of me. I couldn't imagine having an abortion at that point! And when we actually found out we were having a boy, I was 20 weeks pregnant. He was definitely moving around noticeably and frequently then! How could anyone abort at that stage of a pregnancy? It's sick, in my opinion.

I would like to clarify, though; I am pro-choice. I believe a women's body is her own, and it's her choice ultimately what she does when faced with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. If you take away a woman's right to choose, she will simply end up going to a back-door surgery instead. I don't think I need to tell any of you how dangerous this would be, especially if you've read about it from back in the day before abortions were legalized. There will be no way to prove if a woman is getting an abortion simply to select the race or gender of her child, because I highly doubt anyone would be stupid enough to volunteer that information. This law only forces doctors to ask their patients the reason for seeking an abortion, which is unfair, as most women won't really feel comfortable listing their reasons to a stranger. It will also have no effect really, because if that were the reason said woman was seeking an abortion, she'll simply lie in order to get it.

I also think it's highly unfair to punish the doctors who perform the operation, rather than the patient. If the woman is the one who wants to abort the child because it's not the sex or race they want, let it be on her head. If you're going to slowly try to control a woman's right to choose, then the woman is the one who should be punished. Even as I'm writing this, I have conflicting feelings about this whole issue. Women have a fundamental right to choose, in my opinion, but they shouldn't use that right to choose whether they have a boy or a girl. Does that clarify things?

I am against this new law, as I see it as a stepping stone to banning abortions altogether. However I also don't agree with having an abortion for the reason of race or gender selection. It's a slippery slope they're headed down, and I'm afraid to see where it will lead.