This will be a long one...

I started writing this post nearly an hour ago. In the middle of it, we had a power surge and I lost the entire thing. *headdesk* I'm going to attempt to re-write it, but I must admit I feel discouraged at having to!

I have always been a very open-minded person. If someone falls in love with someone of the same sex, they should have the same rights to get married and live their lives with that person as the rest of us. Just as if someone decides that they want to change their sex from male to female, or vice versa, who am I to say they can't (or shouldn't)?

I came out to my parents at the tender young age of 16, when I was still somewhat questioning my own sexuality. It wasn't by choice, though, as my parents were strict Christians who were extremely against homosexuality (and any other issues associated with it, such as transgenderism, though I knew nothing about that sort of thing back then). My mother violated my privacy and read my diary, which forced me out. Discussing my sexual orientation with my classmates and friends was never an issue for me, however trying to have a logical and calm discussion with my mother was out of the question. She grounded me, and wouldn't let me have my best friend over, for fear of leaving us alone. As though it meant that simply because I was bisexual, that every girl I was left alone with would lead to some same-sex hanky-panky. Ridiculous. Even if I was completely straight, would leaving me alone with a boy instantly turn into a full-on make out session? No, of course not. So why would she (or anyone else, for that matter) think that it would work that way with a girl? Again, ridiculous.

I haven't had to think about these issues for many years, as my sexuality doesn't really come into play in my daily life. I am a married mother. I am married to a man. I don't have the urge to be with a woman, but that doesn't change who I am, or how I identify myself. I will always consider myself bisexual, even if it doesn't really affect the way I live my life. I made the choice to be with a man, but it still doesn't change my sexual orientation.

The only reason I'm even thinking about this now, is because I was recently introduced to a band called "The Cliks". The lead singer, Lucas Silveira, is a transgendered man. I don't fully understand everything associated with the term, all I know is that he was born a woman and surgically transformed himself into a man. I have no problem with that. Like I said, to each their own. I personally don't understand why anyone would go to such extreme lengths to change who they are physically, but then again I also don't understand a lot of plastic surgery options that people elect to have done.

Recently on his Facebook page, Lucas posted this link:
http://www.canadianvalues.ca/docs/Events.html

In the ad, a Christian advocacy group points out some things that teachers are being forced to teach to very young children (JK - grade 3) about transgenderism.

This is an ad he also posted as a response to the public outrage over the incident:
http://www.nowtoronto.com/daily/news/story.cfm?content=182947

Now, I can understand the outrage over the ad. The way it was presented was hateful and shameful, and I don't agree with their way of dealing with it. However, as I also posted on Lucas' page, I do agree that teaching such young children about such mature ideas is not a teacher's place. It's MY place. If I choose to teach my son about it when he's at a mature enough age to understand the issues surrounding transgenderism, then that's my call. And I fully intend to do so, if and when it comes up. But teaching a 4 year old about gender roles and whatnot seems wrong to me. They're too young to understand such adult issues!

If my son comes to me some day and tells me that he's gay, I will love him all the more for having the courage to come out and choose it for himself. Being gay will never make me love him any less. If he comes to me some day and tells me, "Mom, I'm going to have surgery and hormone replacement therapy in order to change myself into a woman, because I don't identify with the roles placed on men and want to be a woman" ... I know I will still love him. I will never judge him on the choices he makes for himself. I will admit that I think I will be a little hurt by that choice, as it would feel that I was a failure as a mother. My body created him, my body made him a boy, so him doing that would make me feel as though I failed to create him in the way he wanted. I'm sure that's not the actual case with transgendered individuals, but coming from a mother's perspective, that's what I see. I honestly don't know how to explain how I'd feel about it though. He will always be my little boy, even if he grows up and decides to physically become a woman. The thought hurts my heart, but I would still love him just as much as the day he was born.

So in conclusion, yes I have a problem with the ad. Yes I also have a problem with that curriculum being taught to my young son when he's in school. That's my job, and I dislike that schools are trying to take over my role.

Life and Love

My best friend is getting married on Sept. 10th, 2011. I've known her since I was almost 14, so over half my life. She has been by my side through thick and thin, and though our paths have carried us in different directions over the years, we always come back to each other and it's like no time has ever passed.

That's the way real friendships are. I have very few people in my life that I have this sort of connection with, but two of them I met almost at the same time. Funny, how you can make a friend in your early teens and they're still your closest friend in your adult years. Some friends come and some go, and that's ok.

Just like some relationships. The longest one I was in lasted about 3 years, not including the back and forth we had for about a year afterwards. There was a time in my life where I was scared and alone, and just wanted the stability that our relationship used to offer... even if it meant compromising what I wanted for my future. It took me quite a while to realize what I was doing to myself, and to him (and his poor girlfriend), in the process. I don't know exactly when I grew up and grew out of my self destructive behaviour; I just know that I did.

I've been with my husband for almost 2.5 years now. We have a beautiful son together. My life is exactly the way I always hoped it would be. I'm married to my best friend, despite the times we fight and drive each other crazy. We love each other madly and our family is beautiful, including my family-in-law. I have a mother in law who would do anything for me, and our son. I'm blessed and lucky to have everything that I do.

So is it weird for me to be happy for my ex and his soon to be wife? I don't think so. I think it's wonderful that they're getting married. Funny enough, they're also getting married the same day my best friend is. Know what else? No weirdness. None. Part of me wishes that I could've stayed on better terms with them, so that I could wish them all the best, but that's life. Most of us don't stay friends with our exes anyways, right? But I genuinely wish them well and hope they have a wonderful day.

I guess that's what growing up is. Being able to wish well for those who aren't in your life anymore, not holding grudges, not having ill will for people. I've matured a lot since then, and I'm glad I did. I'm far happier with myself and my life than I've ever been, and I truly hope that they are too.

Also, I can't wait for Jasmina's wedding! To watch my best friend take her vows and see the look on her face as she marries her best (male) friend, I'm just so excited for her. I love her to bits, she is such an awesome person. :)

A sick little boy

Oh my poor son! He's been sick since Thursday. At least, we suspect he was sick on Thursday. We thought it was just teething at first, but our doctor has said it's probably when he first got sick.

Lemme tell ya, nothing breaks your heart more than hearing your little one cry and cough and snort, and know there's nothing you can give them that will help (other than lots of cuddles and hugs!). It's exhausting when he won't sleep all night, but my tiredness is nothing compared to what he's going through.

This is his first cold ever, so he must be feeling pretty rotten. If he's feeling even close to the way I am (I caught his cold), then that sucks. Poor little dude.

Teething and then a cold? Dude, rough. I hope he feels better soon, and until he does I'll just keep snuggling with him and giving him kisses and zerbers on his belly. :)

You know what? I've been told that I'm perceived as a very negative person sometimes... or at least that I *was* perceived that way. I've been working really hard to let go of the negativity and focus on the positive things in my life. I really have.

However I've also noticed that I tend to mostly write when I'm sad, or angry, or frustrated. So I suppose it's easy to picture me as a negative person if all you see is the negative posts. But what I've also come to realize is that when I'm happy, I have a much more difficult time writing. I think it's because I'm so busy focusing on the good moments and don't take the time to write about them. I probably should, though.

I have so many photos and videos posted of Marshall in his happy moments, and I suppose that's my way of expressing my own happiness. There are far fewer photos of myself since he was born, I think mostly because I am nothing without him, and I like to share him with the world. I am not as important to me anymore. Does that make sense? My world revolves around my son. When he's happy, I'm happy. When he's sad or upset, so am I. I am directly linked to him.

I don't go out partying much anymore. I've gone out 4 times since he was born nearly 5 months ago. And yes, I had fun... but more than anything, I was looking forward to coming home and crawling into bed so that I could be well rested to enjoy him again the next morning. Sure, dancing and drinking can be a fun release, but the whole time I'm thinking about Marshall. Last night I went out, and I was so bored with the club scene that I left after an hour. I really felt like I needed a break, and I got one, but then I just wanted to go home and cuddle with my fiance and kiss my son goodnight while he slept peacefully in his crib. You know you're domesticated when you'd rather be at home with your hubby and son! :)

I don't buy much for myself anymore. I buy a couple pairs of plugs every so often, but that's about it. I don't do my nails or my hair anymore. I don't buy clothes. I'd rather be buying cute clothing for Marshall or toys for him to play with. I'd rather take him out for a walk than go out by myself to do anything. And even though he's waking up from his nap now and still seems miserable, I love him to pieces and I will strive to remember that, even in the face of him screaming in *my* face, lol. I love him.

You know, sometimes I read other people's blogs and am just blown away by their writing styles, not just what they have to say. A lot of us probably have a lot of things we'd like to talk, or vent, about; but sometimes it's hard to find the right words, or the right way to say it.

I find that if I try to emulate other people's writing styles, I tend to fail miserably. Then I just end up with something that sounds like someone else. Even right now, I don't feel like I sound like myself... though I have noticed that I have different writing styles depending on the day.

Why am I writing all of this nonsense? I don't know. I just haven't written in a while, and I was thinking about that the other day, so now I'm writing it down. Because I can.

Topic jump!

I'm tired. Like seriously exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for a week, even though I got to sleep in today (9am! WOOT!). People always tell you how tiring it is to be a mom, but you never really *truly* get it until you're there. Honestly, this part isn't as bad as the first 3 months or so. Marshall is getting bigger, he *was* being happier... but this last week has been so miserable! He would scream at me from morning till night for days and days and I JUST WANTED TO WALK INTO TRAFFIC!

I know, I know... that's a horrible thing to say. It really is. But you try it. Seriously, unless you've been there, you can't possibly understand, so don't judge me! I love my son more than anything in the world... and when he's miserable and screaming all the time, sure, it makes me sad that I can't seem to comfort him. But understand that on top of that, is the anger and frustration. Like, "Why does my child seem to HATE ME so much? Why does he only seem to scream for me?" Because you know that once daddy gets home, he's calmer and happier and it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry.

Last weekend, he screamed all the time, even though Jay was home. I feel a little guilty in saying that I'm actually kinda glad about that. It made me feel more like it's not just me, and so Jay could see what I deal with all day when he's not here.

I wish my happy little boy would make more frequent appearances. He's just recently started the baby babbling, rolling over, and giggling more often. But this last week has been such a nightmare that I seriously want to sleep for a week! Maybe once I wake up, my smiling happy boy will be back to stay.

Abortion Ban in Arizona

I posted a link on Facebook to this article:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/arizona-enacts-ban-abortions-based-gender-race-20110329-214717-860.html

In it, they talk about the fact that Arizona has now passed a law decreeing it illegal to perform an abortion for gender or race of the fetus.

My posting this doesn't mean that I agree with using abortions to select the gender or race of the fetus. Personally, I'm against that, as much as I am against women using abortions as a form of birth control. Not to sound racist, but I've only ever heard of that happening in China. There was even an episode of Boston Legal about it. However, I have never heard of a real case in the States where anyone aborted because of the gender of their unborn child, much less because of the race. If you get knocked up by someone of a different race, well then you'd know damn well what the race of the child is going to be... so don't have sex with a different race if you don't want to have a child with them!

This brings me to another point I'd like to make: Generally, the only accurate way to tell the sex of the baby is at 16 weeks or later. This is something I also disagree with: late-term abortions. By that point, I could already feel Marshall moving around inside of me. I couldn't imagine having an abortion at that point! And when we actually found out we were having a boy, I was 20 weeks pregnant. He was definitely moving around noticeably and frequently then! How could anyone abort at that stage of a pregnancy? It's sick, in my opinion.

I would like to clarify, though; I am pro-choice. I believe a women's body is her own, and it's her choice ultimately what she does when faced with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. If you take away a woman's right to choose, she will simply end up going to a back-door surgery instead. I don't think I need to tell any of you how dangerous this would be, especially if you've read about it from back in the day before abortions were legalized. There will be no way to prove if a woman is getting an abortion simply to select the race or gender of her child, because I highly doubt anyone would be stupid enough to volunteer that information. This law only forces doctors to ask their patients the reason for seeking an abortion, which is unfair, as most women won't really feel comfortable listing their reasons to a stranger. It will also have no effect really, because if that were the reason said woman was seeking an abortion, she'll simply lie in order to get it.

I also think it's highly unfair to punish the doctors who perform the operation, rather than the patient. If the woman is the one who wants to abort the child because it's not the sex or race they want, let it be on her head. If you're going to slowly try to control a woman's right to choose, then the woman is the one who should be punished. Even as I'm writing this, I have conflicting feelings about this whole issue. Women have a fundamental right to choose, in my opinion, but they shouldn't use that right to choose whether they have a boy or a girl. Does that clarify things?

I am against this new law, as I see it as a stepping stone to banning abortions altogether. However I also don't agree with having an abortion for the reason of race or gender selection. It's a slippery slope they're headed down, and I'm afraid to see where it will lead.

Well, we've passed the 8 week mark now. Marshall is doing well, still has his cranky moments (especially last Wed when he screamed from 5am till midnight! That was a long day!), but is also awake longer during the day. He wakes up usually around 2:30am and 5am for feeds, which isn't too bad. Friday morning he was up at 2:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep, haha. I've run out of shows to watch, and to be honest, I'm not even sure how I've been passing the time now! lol It all just kinda blurs together.

Ah well, I don't have much to say but thought I should update. So that's my update. Yeah.

Zzzzzzzz.....